The challenges of parenting in the Internet age
Tech
Written by Charles F. Moreira   
Thursday, 27 August 2009 22:41

Raising children and keeping them out of trouble has been a challenge for parents since time immemorial,

The challenges were less in the days before the population explosion and urban sprawl, where people lived in villages and small towns where there were few distractions and most people knew each other and could be parents’ eyes and ears on what their children were up to. This was so too in the larger cities where lower mobility back then kept children and parents within the same community.

For example, parenting challenges in a town like Ipoh back in the mid-1960s were mostly to ensure that their children did not get into bad company, did not get involved in gangsterism, smoke cigarettes, loaf around with friends, watch too much TV or spend too much time in the cinemas – about the only distraction back then -- when they should be studying.

The popularisation of the drug culture and of a more permissive lifestyle due to the youth rebellion, the sexual revolution, the availability of discos and greater mobility since the mid-60s presented newer more serious challenges to parents but at least they could still keep tabs on the company their children kept, since they could still see them and their companions.

Today the wide and growing availability of the Internet, which children know more about than their parents, with easy access to pornography, hundreds of their invisible online acquaintances scattered round the globe and faceless online stalkers hiding behind the anonymity the Net provides presents even bigger challenges for parents today, so how should parents cope?

 Just be a good parent

Parents should cope by continue to be good parents, according to Effendy Ibrahim, Symantec Asia Pacific consumer business lead, Asia South Region.

“Talk to you children and stay connected with them through regular conversation,” said Effendy, himself a parent, who presented findings of the Norton Online Living Report 09 to the media in Kuala Lumpur on 26 March.


“Just as you would ask them what they did at school and what they did with their friends, talk them about their Web activity and about their online friends,” he added.

While Effendy does not rule out the use of parental monitoring software, he prefers not to use it in his own family, since it can lead to a sense of resentment in children.

“I’d rather be transparent and frank with my children and tell them which sites they are permitted to access, what online activity they are permitted to engage in and what they re not, and to be an example to them in my own online behaviour,” said Effendy.

Parents should be aware of real online security risks and ignore the media hype. They should set their family’s online safety rules and be consistent about their observation.

Just as parents set their children’s TV viewing times, play times and so on, they should likewise set the times when their children can be online.

“Just like with TV viewing and play time, parents can allow their children more time online for good behaviour, for conscientiously performing their duties and obligations, and basically make them earn more time on the Web, failing which parents can reduce their children’s online time,” said Effendy.

“Having an open dialogue and setting clear expectations are the most important steps and parents need not become as tech-savvy as their children to protect them online.

“However, parents should participate in their children’s online lives and besides joining them in SMS, instant messaging and on their social networking sites, parents should also learn more about their children’s activities by loking at their online videos, photos and status updates and even search for them using search engines,” he added.

Parents should also monitor their children’s accounts to make sure they know who their children are meeting online. Match the online identity of every person they communicate with to make sure it's someone they know and trust. Regularly check their buddy lists and address books for new and unfamiliar names.

They should make the Internet a family activity and keep their computers in a central part of the house so that they can stay involved and keep an eye on what their children are doing.

Dealing with phone and online bullies

Cyber bullies use text messages on cell phones, or email, instant messages, social networking blogs, or Web pages to harass, embarrass, and intimidate other children. The bullying takes many forms, from spreading false rumors and posting embarrassing pictures of others to sending offensive messages, repeated harassment (sometimes sexual), stalking, threats, and even extortion.

Cell phones, PCs and the Internet, tend to give the cyber bully a sense of anonymity, which emboldens him or her to make their offensive behavior more vicious.

Children who are victims of cyber bullying may not tell parents about it. They’re often embarrassed, or they fear their parent will over react, or restrict or curtail their cell phone or online activities to protect them.

However, parents can watch for warning signs such as:-

  • Their child seems to be upset, sad or angry after using the cell phone or PC.
  • The child withdraws from friends or activities that they usually enjoy.
  • The child’s school grades decline, or he or she expresses anger or dissatisfaction with school or a specific class.
  • The child shows unusual signs of depression or sadness.

If this be the case, parents should express their concern for their child’s welfare and let him or her know that they will not restrict their activities or lifestyle but simply want to help them and if the discussion reveals cyber bullying, ask the child to show it to show evidences of it and take the appropriate steps: –

  • Save or print any evidence of cyber bullying.
  • Identify the cyber bully or bullies. Often more than one person participates or goes along with a cyber bully.
  • File a formal complaint with the cyber bully’s cell phone or Internet provider.
  • Tell the cyber bully to stop.
  • Contact the parents of the cyber bully either by phone or, better yet, registered letter. Tell them what has happened. Present the evidence. Demand that the bullying cease. If necessary, warn them that you will take legal action or lodge a police report if it does not cease.
  • Contact your child’s school. If the cyber bullying occurred at school, teachers and administrators can take protective or disciplinary measures to stop the bullying.
  • If cyber bullying includes threats of violence or the advances of a sexual predator, call the police.

What if your child is a cyber bully?

The best way to prevent this is for parents to make sure their child understands that the rules of good behavior apply to their use of their cell phone and the Internet, and to proactively monitor how they use both.

Ask your child to see the Web sites he or she visits and the social networking sites they join. You can also do a search on your child’s name to find their Web sites.
Take a look at the cell phone call logs where applicable, and the pictures and text messages stored on them.
Older teens may feel these measures are an invasion of privacy, but remind them that it is your responsibility as a parent to look out for their welfare.
If problems persist, consider curtailing or suspending of your child’s cell phone or PC privileges.

Online games versus addiction

Playing games is a natural part of growing up and it’s a way children learn to socialize and compete, and in most cases, computer and online games are no more dangerous than other games that kids play.

However, online games can sometimes become an addiction and your child’s psychological and physical well-being may be in jeopardy and children can sometimes use games as a form of escapism.

Addiction to computer and online games is a real and growing problem, which affects both kids and adults. Often the most addictive games are the online multi-player games. They include role-playing, endless levels of achievement, with an instant messaging or chat function.

Groups of players play and chat online and create a fantasy world that provides an escape from real life and children can get caught up in this fantasy world to the exclusion of their real life responsibilities and what began as an innocent hobby can become a pathological behavioral problem, in which playing games becomes more important than other aspects of life.

Addicted kids spend hours on the computer to the exclusion of other activities. They lose interest in their school, fail to turn in homework assignments, and their grades suffer.

They turn their backs on their friends, preferring to stay at home on the computer with their “online friends”. Much of their conversation may revolve around the games they’re playing. They may be inordinately proud of their gaming successes. If parents challenge children about the time they spend at the computer, they try to hide their gaming activity. Physical warning signs include sleeplessness, dry eyes, and carpal tunnel injury.

Online gaming addiction opens children up to other dangers, too. Chatting online with other game players may expose them to online predators. Predators go where children go online, and where better than a fantasy world that includes children?

Also, gaming addiction can take a toll on parent’s funds. Many popular online games require that players buy the game, then pay monthly subscription fees. Tools, accessories, and additional characters cost even more. It is possible to spend lets of money every month on monthly fees and add-ons.

According to an article in Bay Area Parent, a 14 year old boy used his mother's credit card to buy online a set of gaming accessories, including “magical dragon armor and 100 pieces of virtual gold.”

His mother noticed unusual activity (amounting to US$600) on her statement and quickly figured out what had happened. One can buy additional characters and accessories from the gaming Web site and there are cyber shopping malls where one can pick up accessories like virtual Elvin bows, mystical armor or a sword of fire. One site listed a complete World of Warcraft character for sale at the extravagant beginning bid of $1,600.

Finally, maintaining an open connection between your computer and a gaming Website/chat room, may lead to intrusion and possible theft of your identity and financial records on your home computer or network.

It’s always good to have good Internet security software installed on your computer. It’s even more important when your computer is used for online gaming.

Good parenting is the best prevention

Good parenting goes a long way toward preventing addiction to online gaming.

Parents should make sure they know what games are installed on their children’s computer. Check browser history logs to see where they’ve been on the Internet. Engage them in regular conversations about their lives. Have dinner together every day.

If they spend more than an hour a day in front of the computer, ask them what’s going on. If their grades suffer or their friends stop calling, ask why. If parents detect a problem or a behavioral change, address it immediately; don’t let it slide.

If parents detect addiction, address it. Limit computer time. Put the computer in a public area of the home. If the problem persists, parents may want to seek professional psychological help.

A gaming addiction is very similar to other addictions, such as drugs, alcohol, or gambling. Helping a child beat the addiction may require expertise that a parent can’t provide.

According to Dr. Douglas Gentile, Director of the Media Research Lab at Iowa State University and the director of research for the National Institute on Media and the Family, states, "It is important that people realize that playing a lot is not the same thing as pathological play. For something to be an addiction, it has to mean more than you do it a lot. It has to mean that you do it in such a way that it damages your life.”

In other words, many, if not most, children who play online games are just playing games and it’s a healthy part of their life. However, if parents see that game playing is becoming damaging to some aspect of their child’s life, it’s time to act.
 
Of course technology helps and where necessary they should install necessary software to protect their PCs, warn about malicious websites, provide online security and identity protection so they can conduct teleshopping and other online activities safely.

Precautions when online dating

Inevitably, especially teenagers and young adults  will date online and while this can lead to happy relationships and fun, its also fraught with dangers.

Well, some simple precautions will help ensure safe online dating, especially parties who are still strangers and don’t really know much about each other.

Some tips for safe dating are to not use one’s real name or if one does, only their first name, not to give out their personal phone numbers nor the actual city or town they live in, their place of employment when posting or contacting new people, especially during the initial phase of getting to know their prospective partner.

Such precautions can prevent two bad outcomes. One, is to avoid continuing contact with an unwanted person and secondly to prevent possible identity theft if someone learns enough about a party to steal his or her credit cards or apply for credit in their name.

Use a payphone or block your cellular phone’s caller ID when you call the other party for the first time.

If you do run into someone that is calling or sending you unwanted text messages, you can use security software, such as Norton Smartphone Security for your phone which can help guard against unwanted calls and messages.

Protect your real life friends and never include a new contact in your Instant Messaging or social networking friends lists, as that would give that party access to your friends and if the relationship doesn’t work out, it can be very difficult to remove that person from these additional attachments.

Use separate e-mail addresses for each date and this should be one of the free e-mail services such as Gmail, Yahoo! Or others and one should use a new e-mail address for each date and ensure one’s password isn’t easily guessed.

Do some research on the date by searching on their name, age, place of residence on Google, Ask, Yayoo! And others to see if the other party’s information seems consistent, which social networking groups he or she has joined and what they’ve posted on websites or blogs.

Safeguard your personal information, receipts, car keys, wallet or purse during any face-to-face meetings to avoid thievery, tampering, identity theft or credit card fraud.

Never share any of your passwords: for email, social networking sites and so on and ensure that the passwords have nothing to do with real words, so they cannot be easily guessed.

Beware of the other party telling tales, such as of being on an overseas business trip and being stranded and they request that money be sent to them to help them get home.

Let your friend know that you are going on a date, where you will be going and who you will be meeting and it might help to get a reliable friend to call you when you are about 30 to 45 minutes into the meeting and let your friend know a codeword which you will use so that your conversation with the caller will make it look like you need to leave the date early for some urgent matter.

Also, this matter should not be something which your date can offer to help you with, such as fixing a flat tire and  best excuse is a work-related matter, such as an urgent meeting, a problem at the office, your boss is calling or something like that.

However, since no one likes a liar, use such tactics only when there is a real problem during the date and not because the conversation is boring or the evening dull.

Always have your first meeting, and possibly the next few, in a public place. Never agree to meet someone at their house or at your own house. There should be plenty of people around. Make sure you park in a very public, well lit area in the event that they want to walk you to your car.

Keep copies of their email, and other messages from the people you meet. Don’t count on the service you are using to know who you are meeting and what they are
saying. If a conflict comes up, you need to be looking out for you!

When you are online dating, your computer is the gatekeeper to your social life, so keep it in tip-top shape, protected no matter what new websites you are visiting, or the new people you are coming into contact with.

Some of the most common online threats are spread through email and instant messaging. Make sure you don't let your guard down and fall for a phishing attack in spam email or click a link in either email or an instant message.

Don't download files - even if an alert comes up on the site - without double-checking to see if it is real. Use internet security software and keep it updated so you are protected whenever you are online.

Online Living Report

The Norton Online Living Report 09 is the second such report since the one last year and the 09 report surveyed 9,000 adults and children online across 12 countries – namely the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, France, Germany, Italy, Sweden, China, Japan, India, Australia and Brazil and there were some interesting findings.

There were differences in the number of people who used various technologies and their attitudes to parents’ participation in their activities in different parts of the world, generally with the largest percentages in the developing countries among the 12 and lowest among the most developed and wealthiest countries, with the exception of the United States, where percentages were fairly high.

It’s a long and comprehensive report, so we won’t go into it here but you can download it from www.nortononlineliving.com.
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